Penis Shrinkage

"my dick got smaller!"
these were the frantic words Lacrosse Captain told me last night.
"i don't know what it is, but whenever i'm around Cat In The Dryer, my dick is smaller!"

No duh. Cat In The Dryer isn't a very attractive girl. I didn't know how to tell Lacrosse Captain that. So, i asked him if it was really that big of a problem. i mean, after all, if she's a virgin, it might feel big to her anyway, right? and a girl like Cat In The Dryer probably is.

"It's a big deal!", he whined. "You don't know how it is for a guy to have a small penis. Maybe she's so short it will look huge to her."

I rolled my eyes, and made a half ass attempt to cheer his sorry ass up.

"My boobs are small and i still get laid! You'll find girls who don't mind!"
"Your boobs arn't small", he said...and i guess he's right. They're actually a pretty average size. "Your boobs are fucking amazing!"
"Your dick isn't that small, either."
"It is around her! She turns me on, but i just look small!"
I'm thinking....maybe she's just fat.
"Maybe she just doesn't turn you on enough!"

Poor Lacrosse Captain. Next, he tried to wheedle personal information out of me...Especially about Enlightened Stoner...and the people i have crushes on. he's got his head so far up his booty he probably thinks he's one of them!

Speaking of Enlightened Stoner, he stood me up tonight! He was supposed to come over around 8:30...so i texted him around 9:15.
"whats the deal for tonight?"
"...i'm hanging out with Taylor."

WHAT THE HECK?!? i was supposed to "talk" to him tonight!!! damn damn double damn triple damn damn.
I called him at 9:30.

"whats the deal!"
"you were watching a movie with your dad, so i made other plans."
"I said he was picking up my brother at 8...so you could come over at 8:30! you said okay, and i said, OKAY, see you at 8:30!"
"No you didn't"
"I did!"
"Okay, we can hang out tomorrow."
"No, i have to work."
"I'll call you next week then."

what a doodyhead. probably figured something was up and tried to avoid the situation. He isn't very smart...he just gave me an even better reason to dump him.

best part was- he accused me of standing HIM up! he's the one who didn't show!

as i said...he isn't very smart.
I'm kind of glad he didn't show, though. now i can relax and ENJOY my evening.

Also, Ferret is going to talk to Teaser on monday... I think Teaser is all kinds of hot...and apparently he asked Ferret about me when i was absent from law class.

I love Ferret...i just hope she doesn't make me sound like a stalker! I was going to ask Teaser for his number the last day of law class, but he left before i got a chance.

Hope it works out! He's FIT!

a day is a day is a day

Today was a Friday, thank goodness. I was almost late for AP Psych, and of course we had a Pop Quiz. I sat down, only to see Pen Thief already leafing through his book. Apparently i wasn't the only one who hadn't studied!

I managed to stumble through Psych despite having papers shoved at me by Pen Thief. I got to lunch, and the first person standing in my way is Lacrosse Captain.

Lacrosse Captain and i have a history. I had a crush on him earlier this year, and told him so. He said he didn't want to date me, but as time went on, he said he felt like he was dating me without the label, and decided he wanted to date me for real. We had been having sex for the past two or three months, And thats how i wanted it to stay.
"Zoe, I don't know how i feel about you seeing other guys...i want you to go out with me"
"NO! i'm going to college soon and i want to have fun! Plus, you didn't want a relationship-- you told me all you wanted was casual sex. so why shouldn't i see other people? you can too!"
"No Zoe. I only want to see you."

HA! Two days later, Lacrosse Captain was dating Cat In The Dryer, and thats EXACTLY who he was standing WITH. Turns out she was in a club selling carnations for valentines day. theoretically, the money would be going to cancer research.

Lacrosse Captain grabbed my arm.
"Buy a carnation, Zoe"
"No thanks, i think i'll pass"
"But the proceeds go to prevent and conduct research about Breast Cancer!" he whined. "or at least, i think it is. Some kind of cancer, anyway."
"No, Lacrosse Captain. I don't want a carnation"
"Then you don't support Cancer research?"
"I do, but i'm not going to buy a shoddy carnation from someone who doesn't even know what cause exactly they're selling for"

Lacrosse captain narrows his already squinty eyes.
"i had a friend who DIED from cancer"
I roll my eyes.
"Me too, and honestly, i don't trust this school and especially you with my money. I support cancer research, so i'll make sure i help the cause by giving this dollar to someone who knows how to invest it properly"

at that, i turned on my heel and walked away. Lacrosse Captain isn't very smart.

He was trying to dig at me, of course, to impress Cat In The Dryer.

If he really wanted to insult me, he should have said i wasn't buying a carnation because i had no valentine. Either way, not true. I'll do fine this valentines day, thanks.

ANYWAY, after a long day at work, i get a call from Enlightened Stoner.
"LETS GET DRUNK!"
interpretation: let me get in your pants.
"No, i'm tired. Can i take a rain check?"
"you're bailing on me?"
"No... i'm not. i'm putting on my PJs. if you want, you can come over and sit by the fire with me.

two minutes later, another text.
"I HAVE VANILLA VODKA!"
interpretation: let me get in your pants...PLEASE!

as much as i like Enlightened Stoner, i also don't think we have good chemistry...i can do a lot better. he also isn't a great kisser. So much for that.

He came over anyway.
"you look cute in your jammies. i really wanted to see you."

i really wanted to go to bed, but never mind what Zoe wants! Enlightened Stoner stayed for almost an hour drinking my tea (which he says tastes like pee, so he puts half a cup of sugar in it!) before he gets up to leave.
"Zoe-- can i have a kiss?"
I guess. He left, promising to call me tomorrow.
I shut the door, relieved.

Enlightened Stoner reminds me too much of a less attractive, smarter version of Lacrosse Captain, and i don't want to date him either...i don't even know if i want to be with him physically. he isn't a very good kisser and i've heard he's poorly endowed...poor boy.

ANYWAY- i guess i'll break the news to him tomorrow.

Love,
ZOE!

Welcome to The Big Show

so, basically i love dick.
but only pickled dick.

the band, you morons. in fact, the Jager Song is my new profile song. it's pop-punktastic. if you don't like it, it just proves that you arn't as cool as me.

or you do like it, but you're too pussy to admit it because it's "pop-punkesque".

ANYWAY-

i feel like i'm kind of breaking out of my cocoon and i don't really like it. my safe-zone is going up in flames. i can't decide how i feel about it.

what i mean to say is, i'm looking at college and selling my pony. and then buying a new pony.

i just watched "In Pursuit of Happiness". i guess we're all in pursuit of happiness.

i don't feel too happy. i kind of feel dismal, almost.

i mean, gloomy. i mean, i know how i'm going to die. how gloomy is that?

i mean, most people don't want to know how they die, but for me it's pretty obvious. im kind of counting down.

so do you want to know how i'm going to die?
do you want me to tell you?
do you?
you do?
you do want me to tell you?
you do want me to tell you how i'm going to die?


okay, fair enough.

i'm going to get hit by a car.... LAMEEEEE

i mean, i can't even die in a fun interesting way.

like... getting a nosebleed and drowning in my own blood.

or dying of brain damage after a eagle drops a tortoise on my head (mistakening it for a rock of course).

i know i'm going to die in a car crash because i don't look both ways when crossing the road. simple as that. i try, and stuff, but i usually end up kind of looking down. usually i have someone there to protect me with the "soccer mom karate chop" across the abdomen.

but what am i going to do when that person isn't there?

i mean, i've been hit by cars before.

one of these days, it's just going to be going a little faster.

but thats okay, live fast, die young, right?

wrong.

i like living.